today.
mark today as the worst day of my life.
because i had to wake up so bloody early to go to school, school meaning IJ. and i met sher on the way. glad we're talking. although its obvious we're not talking as much as before. but still. this is a start isn't it? then it started POURING! reason number two as to why is horrible. then i realised that i forgot to get anything for my teachers! number three was that. i wore my school uniform and i reaaly felt weird and i felt that it made me look really really fat. but thank you to the wonderful MISS PETRINA SI! she told me that i was mad cause i'm not fat. that added a little colour to my bad and grey day. so did JASPER! gosh. i miss her so much. so many much. sorry dear for being so broke. and i can't return you your money. you're like another colour to my rainbow! EVANGELINE ANG YI LING! your squeals woke me up. your drama make me smile. and now we know that Sher likes it tight and painful!
thank you all for brightening my day i little bit. but it was dampened. maybe it was my mistake. or maybe i was jsut being plain moody because if the lack of sleep. or maybe its both. i don't know. i don't feel like i'm in control. maybe i lost control a long time ago.

i should try to cheer myself up.
maybe it will make me a happier person.
i don't know.
screw this shit.


AMAZING;
thank you for being the rational one here. and not saying anything that might hurt either one of us. thank you for everything. for hearing me cry last night. you were being a real sweetheart. i know you are confused. i am too. thank you for letting be honest with you. and i hope that you do not judge me for this.
which is why you're amazing.


PRECIOUS;
if you think you did nothing wrong. then tell me what i did wrong. tell me why all this happened in the first place? was this a misunderstanding? maybe you just assumed too much. we need to talk this out. i don't like this cold war. even though it hasn't been that long. but it sure feels long. but what you said. really caused me to hate myself. i felt really little. it was as though you could crush me with your finger. i want this settled.
maybe we didn't understand each other enough. thats why this happened.

i thank you for reminding me.
and making me remember when was the last time i was honest to myself.
you can't be honest to other people if you aren't honest to yourself.
but come to think of it.
you made me realise that you don't trust me all that much now do you?
do you even trust me to make the right decisions?
i'm already conflicted enough as it is.
and i don't know why you are doing this to antagonise me further.
is this your way of showing me that you care?
i know i prefer things not sugar coated.
but can't you just do this once in a while?
so that maybe i can feel better about myself once in a while.

you always have a way to make me hate myself don't you?
and to think that you want me to be happy.
bullshit.

I THINK GOD IS PLAYING A FOOL OF ME.
why is it that when i want to go swimming, it rains?
and something horrible happens every single time when i want to get out of the house? i don't want to stay in the house anymore.
i shall go and visit pet.
maybe this time i can go with claire. i don't know. i'm too full to walk. i'm too tired and lazt to do anything. and yet, i'm too restless.
mummy is talking about playing pool. i don't know if i even want to go. i don't even know where. when i ask. i get scolded. like. what the hell.
He really is playing a fool of me. and the rain jsut got heavier. fuck.

i'm sorry if everything i post seem to be like a damn soap opera. i know. claire told me this before. she was like. "is it so fucking difficult to do something that makes you happy?"
great. i'm tired. i want to slepp and yet i can't.

pool later? i don't know. i want an outlet to scream my lungs out. fuck. i want to cry. although i have no idea why i want to cry.

CHARMAINE!
remember the little date we're going to have? with yummy food and emotional movies. i think its going to be a great night. we have so much planned! I LOVE MY BACKSIDE!
we should do this more often!
i still don't know if i should ask her to come or not.

should i?
or should i not?
just let me knock my head against the wall and i'll let you know what i have decided.

VANESSA DANIELLE LEE IS GOING TO LOSE THREE KG BY THE TIME CHRISTMAS COMES!
and i am promising this to myself.
so SOME people won't call me fatso and jiggle my fats all over the place.
you know who i'm talking about.
and its also for the good of my health. haha. yupp.
because...
i'm not going on a diet.
nope. because i'm already not eating healthy, and you want me to go on a diet. please la. i don't want to die any faster.
so i have decided to exercise! yes yes! its a better alternative isn't it? and i've already started! i'm good aren't i? i know i am!
i've already started swimming. everyone say whee! and then. i don't know. lets just stick to swimming first. and maybe my before-to-bed workout. hahas. the 30 crunches! how can i forget about that? i kinda lost track. when was the last time i did crunches? goodness me.
and i think i'm going running soon. good idea? maybe i should get rid of that painful ingrown toenail before i start running. now thats a good idea. don't you think? i'm going to trim my hair. because i got myself split ends! but i just called the salon. they are not free! roars!

i'm going back to IJ! oh God how i miss that place. and my juniors there too. and how we did all that crazy stuff we did. i'm getting old. my time has passed me by. i'm not in secondary school anymore. but i still miss the blue uniform. and how my mother would alter them because it was too long. my mother is mad. i just realised. a little slow of me isn't it? gosh.

i'm going swimming later! but someone has mock exam all. am i supposed to wait for you? i guess so. see? i'm so nice and so patient. and stop pinching me! cause they have become brusies!


there is no way you can love a person a 100%.
because you cannot trust a person the same way either.
and trust is the foundation of love.
there will always be something holding you back.
there will always be something about that person that will always hesitate.
you will always have doubts.
so, no.
you can't fully love a person with our entire being.
trust me. i know.
cause you're not God.
even our God is a jealous one.
what else is there to say about us mere mortals?
we have too much temptation around.

you said that you gave up.
i know.
you never tried anyway.
i know that too.
but me?
i haven't given up.
no.
not yet.

I SEE BUTTERFLIES IN MY EYES.

AMAZING ONE;
i don't know what i was supposed to say to you. but i promised him that i told you exactly how i felt. and i couldn't sleep until 4 plus just thinking of what to say to you.
to me, it doesn't matter if the both of you get together or not. because its not my matter. not my business. its between the both of you. sure. it might come as a shock when that happens. but i will get over it. i know i will.
remember you said this. nothing can change the friendship between us. not even HIM.
i was going to say something. but i forgot what it was.
i love you dear! and i don't want to be a blockage between the both of you. you might not feel comfortable with me around. because i'm close to him. if it makes you feel better, i'll stay away from him. i don't know. i don't want you to be jealous or feeling insecure cause i'm around. i feel bad enough as it is. don't make me feel anymore horrible.
just know that you're the only one he loves.
the both of us are only this close because i trust him. and because we've been through so much of shit together. and he is the only person who would be honest to me about myself. he would tell me all the bad stuff about myself even though it stings.
and so, i hope that you would be honest with me as well. if there is anything you don't like about me. please. let me know. so that i can be a better person. you know that i'm starting to trust you. so please. don't let me down as a friend. cause you should know that i will never let you down. cause i am here. and i'm going to treasure this friendship. alright?
I LOVE YOU!



and you. thank you. for talking to me. and letting me cry. and to make me realise that you're still there no matter what. honestly. she isnt the only one feeling insecure about all this. i am too. but i'm letting this go. bit by bit. don't make me anymore difficult that it already is. i love you too. and thats where the base of our trust is. dumb pig.

26.08.06

i'm tired maybe?
i know i am.
i'm really tired of trying.
the fact that i am jealous doesn't matter and its not the point at all.
i have learnt not to care about this.
its obvious?
maybe you should be caring enough not to be so obvious yourself.
i don't know if i can meet you and talk to you or not. there seem to be so much to i want to say to you. but just so you know. i'm not exactly comfortable talking to you now. cause of the words you said and the actions followed by it.

i don't really care if you love her or not.
because it doesn't affect me loving you.
not at all.
yes, there might be jealousy.
but i am who i am today because i'm stronger than this.
you told me this yourself.

i'm unsure and uncertain.
and i'm sorry.

THE GREATFUL DEAD.

i'n church now. gosh. i have to help uncle kenny with the stuff from uncle kenny.
so just let me blog about yesterday.
cause i woke up not long ago and nothing exciting has been happening any way.

i changed my mind. let me blog about the chalet first.

it was tiring? i guess. we all had barely five hours of sleep. and i don't dare to sit in a van driven by my classmate again. because everytime he turns or break or goes over a hump. its chaos at the back of the van.
the room to the chalet was small? damn small! with only two beds upstairs. and there was two plastic like materesses downstairs. the toilet was disgusting and smelly. we went swimming and had our bbq after that. i was cooking from the beginning until the end. gosh. i think i burnt all my fats away. i hope so. it was like. damn hot and damn tiring. in the end. i only had one of everything cause everyone else ate like damn alot.
we got drunk. went to changi village too see people who are not exactly male nor female. and they have legs to die for! goodness me. i know theyre confused. but i want their legs. haha. they are so long and smooth. goodess. haha. then we went to geylang! to eat frong porridge! yum yum! and i paid $26 for it all! i don't believe in that.
and we went back after that. it was like. 4am in the morning? gosh. yes yes. then we have to share th bed all. 5 people to two beds! and i was against the wall. i was like practically kissing the wall. so squashy! i don't like. hahahs.
thats about it? i guess so.
i got no mood to blog at all now.

i'm tired.
very tired of everything that you're doing to me.
AM I LETTING THIS FRIENDSHIP PASS?
maybe i am.
i'm too tired to keep trying anyway.
i don't really feel comfortable to you anymore.
maybe because i haven't talked you in a really long time.


i had the notion that you could make me forget the world.

but you bring me down constantly.

i was trying so fucking hard not to cry on the way home. i'm really really tired. come on. face the facts. this friendship is getting from bad to worse. when is the last time i talked to you on the phone exactly? saturday? but you were busy cycling. fine. but when i needed you i can't seem to apporach you. i can't seem to find a reason to talk to you now. i mean. sure. i see you. and talk to you about nonsense when i see you. but its different. i can't talk to you like i do on the phone when i see you. cause its difficult. cause when i see you. there is so much that is going through my mind. and i'm really trying not to depend on you. i really am. but tis not working. because if anything crops up. you're the first person i think of calling. you'd be the first person i run to if anything should happen. cause you know how to handle me. because you know me that well. but now. it seems that i don't know you anymore.
or rather. you don't really know who you are. you're so confused with your thoughts. with everything that has been happening.

i'll just pretend that i never heard what you said.
you're not the only one who is good at acting.
i can too.
so i'll keep on walking down this really dark lane.
all by myself.
until you decide to gove me a little company and shed a little light.
i'll show you the real me soon.
i've been silent about this for far too long.
i'll tell you exactly how i feel.
no.
you'll read about how i feel.


i still love you precious.

you leave me dizzy.

MY TAGBOARD ISN'T WORKING.
i hate this.
and i don't believe in eating cereal with milo. its just so wrong. and watching cartoons too. i feel like a bloody kid. anyway. i'm going off to my chalet soon. i have to pack.

PEOPLE! I GOT A CHALET! AND I WON'T BE BACK UNTIL... FRIDAY? YES YES!
SO ALL. DON'T MISS ME TOO MUCH!
IF YOU DO.
JUST LEAVE ME A MESSAGE ALRIGHT?
LOVE YOU ALL!

i'm sorry for being such a pest. i shall stop messageing you. for three days. good enough for me to try to take my mind off you. yeah.


i'll be gone soon.
bye all.

every now and then

i fell so accomplished today?
yes yes i did!
i went swimming today. whee! all by myself. and please. its healthy to go swimming alone alright! because you can concentrate better! and i swam twenty laps! when i just started swimming. i just realised how unhealthy i am! i mean. how unfit i am. hahas. tried the freestyle. then i kinda ran out of breath. so. i took it nice and slow. and when i hit ten laps. i felt so accomplished. haha. so i went on to swim more. and more. and more. then i swam twenty laps! then i gave up. haha. cause i was hungry and tired. haha.

and i was looking for a place to bathe! haha. called anthony. but he had to go out. then called shabin. who told me to call sean. cause sean's house is nearer. then when shabin said ok. and i was walking to the station. sean called and said that i can bathe over at his place. sorry bestfriend! i still love you.

sean was being mean. talk so much when people bathing all. talk rubbish somemore. i don't believe in that. haha. and i was hungry. then sean. the master cook of the house. heated the food his mummy cooked. beef soup and rice! yummy! but i don't believe in sean making me eat horrible beans all. I HATE BEANS! i really do. he make me eat three spoonfuls of it! i don't like. but he gave me root beer to cheer me up. felt like a baby. haha. feeding me all. tsk tsk. but then he left me alone and went off to sleep. so what was i supposed to do when he is sleeping? so i had to sit on his going-to-be-spoilt chair. and scared that i kept falling off. so i waited for christie to come. haha. all hell broke loose! whee! haha. but had to leave first.

and i rushed home to meet my mother so that we can go out together. drink and play pool. and then there was this guy...
i should shut up.

thank you sean for the added dietary fibre? i guess? haha. sorry for trying to read the book though. but i remembered the book being mine! and that you're supposed to return it one you're done with it! but now you're refusing to return it to me! i don't know why you want to keep it though. i'm getting confused now. oh well!

i'm getting a hangover. and i'll be going for a chalet later. whee!
i don't know when i'll be able to blog again.
haha.


i'll miss YOU all!

i'm down on my knees.

your words.
cause me to bleed.
am i supposed to be alright with it?
how am i to be alright if you continually do this?
you told me that what you want out of me is to be happy.
what am i to do?
cause now i can't turn to you when i'm falling apart.
you want to push me away.
cause you're sick of me turning to you with all my problems.
you always tell me that you're just a call away.
you always tell me that you'll be there for me.
well i'm selfish.
i don't like sharing you.
and i need you.
i'm not her.
so don't treat me like her.
because i can't take it like she can.
i'm not as strong as this precious.
i want to make amends.
i want things to be alright.
for the both of us.
i want this mess out of the way.
but will you let it go?

i want it to end. just so you know. i'm tired of you hurting me. i want you to know that what you do sometimes really hurt me. i want us to be friends like we used to. before everything started out. before all the complications. why does simple things always have to be so damn complicated? i really don't want all of this. so why don we turn something complicated into something simple?
there are so many times when you confuse me to no end. the ring. the ____. what more do you want out of me. you expect me to be honest with you. did you give me a chance to? i don't want to tell you this over the phone. i want to tell you this face to face. so that you can see it in my eyes. exactly how hurt i am. and see how the tears fall down my face.
i want you to see this sean. i don't care who tells you about this entry.
but i want you to be the one to make the effort. because i always told you things even with out you asking.
so please.
maybe its for the sake of both or us. to make things right again.
take it as i'm begging.
i can't afford to lose this friendship
you know that i need to strenght from you.
please sean.
please precious.

when it all falls apart.

sheryl;
i guess words cannot describe how hurt i am right now. they can't. don't you dare say that i wasn't there for you. but i guess you forgot that i held your hand and tried to talked to you after father shouted at you. you pushed me away. then father told me to go down. cause he wanted to talk to you.
i wanted to talk to you after that. but then audrey started crying even more. then i thought. maybe i should let you reflect. and we had to shift tables. and wen we all came back up. priss was already talking to you.
i gave up at that point.
cause i know that even if i say anything. you would just turn to priss. like you always do. its been too long now. and i guess i would just stop ignoring that fact.
but how did she let you see both sides of this situation may i ask? i'm not saying anything about the rest. just this. because everything was the outcome of this. was she there when you said that to everyone else. those few words that hurt not only me but everyone else in the group.
you want me to message you every now and then? to ask if you were alright? there are two sides to a coin. i don't believe in one sided relationships. i gave up trying to call you. because you always say that you would call me back. and i wait for the call. but they never came.
you never tell me what is it about me that you're not comfortable with. amanda and audrey do. thats why i feel more comfortable to them.
i'm lost as well. cause there is so much going on. ask them. they know. but they never press me to tell them. only when i'm ready.
i don't talk as well as priss. i'm only good at giving hugs. and that is all i can do. thats all i'm good at. i'm sorry that i'm not goos with words to tell you what is right and what is wrong. i wasn't born with such a gift.
i don't hate you. i never can. i still love the sheryl i grew up with.
i'm not going to say anything about you and priss anymore. cause i gave up. i gave up on trying so hard when i get nothing in return.

sean;
there is always a reason for everything. you're not the only one who is tired of all this. i am too. there is so much i want to say to you. but how am i going to say them to you when you say such hurtful things to me? i remembered the look of your face when you told me to go away. i tired to cheer you up. but you kept asking me to go away. i would have stayed there. but i couldnt before i broke down and cried infront of you and christie. i don't want you to see me cry. and so i left.
i sent you that message. one you sent me a really long time ago. about how i mean too much to you for you to hurt me. so i guess i mean nothing to you anymore. cause you seem to hurt me constantly. i don't know. i want to call you and tell you exactly how i feel. but i don't know if im up to it or not.
you don't want me to be dependant on you anymore. and i shan't. but i miss you already. i wanted to ask you to go swimming with me tomorrow. but i'm not sure if you would want to or not. in a way. that message was done in the spur of the moment. i'm sick of trying to make the effort.
i'm tired. i'm exausted. i'm geting slapped in the face. every part of the face. woth everything i do. and i don't feel alright.
i was crying just now. crying really bad. and i wanted to call you and confide in you. but i realised and remembered that i said something. and i can't take it back.
so all i ask of you is for us to talk this out. please. i don't want this anymore. i don't want us to be upset with each other. cause its too painful to even think about it.
i still love you. you're still precious to me.

christie;
i called you so many time. i wanted to cry out to you. i'm sorry for expecting so much out of you.

charmaine;
thank you sweetheart! for hearing me when i cried. thank you for that post too. i'm really touched by you. my backside! i love you too dear!

audrey;
don't lose heart! continue to have faith! i know you can let the group the shine! and don't think that you're pathetic. and don't think that you're unable. cause if you need help. manda and i will be here to help you through anything. you know we will. i'll give you strength when you need it.
i love you.



cause i can't turn to you when it all fall apart.

your words sting me.

i read what sheryl said.
and i guess it really hurt me.
but not only me i guess.
the rest of us.
its like you suddenly shown me what kind of person you really are.
yes, i'm giving you credit for admiting that you were not exactly responsible.
and i'm not condemning you for anything.
but honestly.
no one is going to help you if you don't ask for it.
i'm really hurt at this point in time.
i thought i knew you. but i guess i really didn't.
your words made audrey cry.
i almost did if i wasn't that concerned with comforting audrey.
we're not saying that you're irresponsible or stupid.
but maybe you could have lowered your pride and asked for help.
and i rememebred offering my help.
but i guess you just brushed it off.
just like how you always brush me off because i'm nothing that i'mportant to you.

i know i should just forgive and forget.
but sometimes sher.
you might be going over the limit and maybe there needs to be someone to keep you grounded.
yes.
you might say that priss understands you the best.
but you haven't seen it from our point of view.
was she there when you said all those words that hurt us?
she wasn't.
but now you have gone over my limit.
i don't know.
i've always tried to be there for you.
but when i tried to look for you.
you can't seem to be found.
i admit.
i get jealous over you and priss.
for so long now.
and i've told priss before.
it isn't easy admitting this.
i don't like it when i've known you for so long. and if anything crops up. you run to priss and tell her everything when i try so hard to be here for you. its like. i don't see a friend in you anymore. you're so distant from me.

i'm sorry for not trying to comfort you.
but you have to realise something. i was as hurt as audrey was. by your words.
don't say that i didn't tell you not to take anything you couldn't handle.

AMAZING ONE! i miss the ben and jerry's already. i miss you too. and don't be angry anymore la k? not worth your anger. not worth the energy. just remember that i'm here. and i want to say thank you for being there for me. despite everything that happened in the past. where we didn't like each other. i'm AMAZED at how we love each other all now. i need you now. but you should study. i'll talk to you after that.
i'm beginning to trust.
just give me alot more time alright.
i love you dear.

i cannot keep dreaming of you.
it hurts waking up to the remains of you.
you hurt me.

they come from you.

al whole row of event made me think. as in. really think about living waters. are we as united as we say we are. or are we a group that is all talk and no action? or are we really irresponsible?
there were so many times were do did this last minute, or we didn't do anything about it and the whole event got cancelled. are we all really this irresponsible.
i know that we all know that we are not as united as we say we are. its evident that there are cliques in the group. and we're not doing anything about it. and there are also people who come for meeting just for the sake of the attendance. is this what we really want for our group?
when is it time to put in as much as we can into the group? to make it shine and stand out in the church? because i don't want living waters to be just another youth group with no direction. i want us to go someone where. does it really matter if we have to keep trying and trying to get the ideal result? i don't mind trying.
but still.its up to the individual. and their personal responsibility to put in everything they can to the group. and make it shine. i really want us to shine. and to be able to do what we want to do?

so why don't we give it all we can. and make us better?
and make us shine?
cause i really want that to happen.

i'd say.

last day of communications.
we wore black and white.
and we had yummy dark chocolate brownies.
yum yum!
and a pretty video.
and some really scary stuff hapenned.
but thats not what i want to blog about.

my 17th birthday.
i have three ideas in my head.

i was a surprise birthday party. i really really want it! because i never had one before. and it would be amazing to spend it with my friends. yes yes. but i doubt that that would happen. so i shall skip. on to the next one.

i want to go to the zoo. i don't know why. its been so bloody long since i've been to the zoo. and i have the sudden urge to go there again.
bring me there pretty please. and spend the whole day with me. and the animals. we can take many many pictures! oh yes we can! and let me enjoy the day. watching animal shows! and the tickets for the zoo isn't all that expensive. we can get discount cause we're students too. i think its 8 bucks. then we can have ben and jerry's ice cream. and go someplace else to have yummy yummy food. could you please bring me to the zoo. i'll be a happy girl on my birthday.

or i could just spend it alone. and reflect how my life has been. i mean. its my birthday after all. so i guess thats how it should have been spent. or maybe with GOD. i had a crazy idea to go to the botanic gardens to spend my birthday. but that didn't work. so please. make one of these wishes come true.

p.s: i want a disney princesses puzzle! cause its all really really realy pretty! but tis expensive too! and please don't give me one where i have to make by myself all. i don't believe in that. i believe in you making the puzzle and framing it up and giving it to me. if you can't get me that if its too expensive.you can get me anything on my wishlist. trip to bangkok would be really nice!haha. not funny. oh! anything but the x-men encyclopedia. its reserved for my PRECIOUS! yes yes.


i'm sweating.
i'm feeling how.
and i'm sleepy.
so i should sleep.
but shermann keeps asking about clarie all.
something going on here.
tsk tsk.


i should really sleep.


goodnight world!

let the stars cry

SHERYL KOH;
if you need a shoulder. i am here. i can't believe you never call me when you need someone. was 11 years nothing? i don't believe this sheryl koh xue er! its not like i've never seen you cry before. you know that i'm patient with you. i'll never give up on you. remember that alright. i'll be your strength when you need me. i miss you dear. i miss seeing you all the time and being crazy with you. i miss those times. it just seems like both of us don't have time for each other anymore.

AMAZING;
i'm sorry that it seems impossible to open up to you. i know you can tell when i'm sad. but now he has pushed me to you. he doesn't want me to depend on him anymore. i don't want to depend on him anymore. cause it hurts too much. and i'm think he's sick of me. and my problems. but he doesn't realise that he is part of the problem too. it dosen't matter if i'm sick. cause that is not the problem.

PRECIOUS;
i don't know what to say to you. i don't know what to say to you anymore. but i knew that i don't have a blanket to fall back on anymore. for a long time already. there isn't even a ground anymore as i fall. but i depended on the false security that you seem to give me everytime. if i knew. that this was going to happen. i wouldn't be selfish. and put my wants before your feelings and your sanity.
i'm sorry.
and everytime i say sorry. i mean it. these are one of the words that weight alot of meaning. you might think that i say sorry and that i wouldn just forget about what i did. why do you think people say that sorry is one of the hardest words to say. cause i have to lower alot of my pride to say one word.
and its takes alot of out me to say that i still love you when i know that i was supposed to stop a long time ago.
a really long time ago.
but i'm still here. for you.

GOD;
ease this journey and the pain. let me know that its worth going on. please. give me strength and walk with me. help me. cause there isn't going to be nayone else to help me like you can.

i am lost. my pillar of strength so viciously tore away from me. but i think its time to do this by myself. to be strong. and independent. i don't want to be constantly needing anyone anymore.


i'm having a day from hell.
it was all going so well.
before you came.
and you told me you needed space.
with a kiss on the side of my face.
not again.
and not to mention the tears i shed.
i should have kicked your ass instead.
i need intervention.
attention to stop temptation to scream.
cause baby.
everything is f-ed up straight from the heart.
tell me what do you do when it all falls apart.
gotta pick myself up, where do i start.
cause i can't turn to you when it falls apart.
don't know where i parked my car.
don't now who my real friends are anymore.
i put my faith in you.
what a stupid thing to do.
what the rain pours.
and not to mention.
i drank too much.
i'm feeling hungover.
drank too much.
i need intervention.
attention to stop temptation to scream.
can't it be easier?
can't i just change my life?
cause it just seems to go bad everytime.
will i be mending
another ending once again.
gotta pick myself up.
cause baby i'm f-ed up.
;the veronicas.


i'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
my shoulders are heavy from the weight of us both.

open your eyes.

i want to go away.
far far away.
nevermind.
i want to die thank you very much.
someone kill me now please.
i want to leave this human race.
or maybe GOD would want to bring me back to him.
anything for me to be gone.
i'm sinking and sinking.
and somehow.
i don't seem to want to get out of it.
it hurts.
all...
be happy that i'm gone alright?
cause i won't be suffering anymore.
i don't want to suffer anymore.
i don't want to be in pain anymore.
i don't want you to worry anymore.
and i don't want to think anymore.


fuck.
you left me all alone.
and i hate myself for it.
for being like this.
so i'm praying.
to be gone.

or scream it in your ear.

i think the class really believes in camera whoring. well. me actually. going around class to take pictures. but i don't care much either.

and i had no idea that chinese N levels are today! gosh gosh. i'll be praying. for sean and larris and emmanuel and who else is taking the paper ah? i don't know. i think i'll just be praying for those who are taking the paper. yes yes! do well all! i'll be praying and hoping that you all will do well!
larris; don't use the clock to find your answers all can? try to understand what you're doing can? don't give me a heart attack. don't try your luck. its the freaking N levels for goodness sake!
sean; don't think of trying the eraser trick i taught you! if not. i'll be the one to slap you so hard. your head is going to turn to one side and you can never looks straight. try to finish the paper both of you!
i'm not really worried about emmanuel though. i know he studies. just try your best and don't give up alright? you rock prince!

i'm going through alot at the moment. and i'm sorry if i can't tell any of you much about it. but i need help. and alot of it.

sugarhoney;
i miss you dear. i know you're having exams. but i really hope that i can see you in church on saturday.

bestfriend;
where are you. i miss your stupid jokes. i miss you making me laugh. and i miss you telling me on how you're going to be on Men's Health two years from now. i miss you over all. seeing you once in so many months is not enough! no! not enough at all.

venting machine;
i want to vent. i want to vent. i want to vent! there is just so much i need to let out. i need a punching bag now. i really think i need a shoulder to cry on.

GOD;
please make this all easier for me. and give me strength. cause i need it. like really need it. lift the cross from my shoulders for a while. wait for me to heal first.

precious;
it gets scary when i hear you shout at me. i don't know if i'm doing anything wrong. but i have been trying to do everything right. trust me. i am. and i still don't know why this is happening. you should know that i don't want anything happening to me. not yet.
there is just so much more i want to tell you. but i think that you shouldn't know. not yet. maybe i feel that i'm not ready to tell you. feeling like i need to rehearse what i need to say to you so that you won't think otherwise of me. so that you won't push me away. i bite my tongue everytime i'm about to say something i'm not supposed to say.
maybe you are right. that when i say that i'm fine. i'm still suffering. in silence. cause its fine compared to suffering out loud.
i don't want you to be upset about me. or because of me for that matter. i don't like that. but plase. try not to shout at me alright? i'll do as you say. don't scare me like that. like i said. i dont like you shouting at me.
but thank you for being there. thank you for knowing that i need you. thank you for giving me strength. thats why i say you're amazing. thats why you're precious to me.
you rock.

i need healing. i really need this. gosh. i shall go for AMPLIFY. and i shall go for mass too. yes yes. i need God at this moment. and i hope He is there.

i had the notion that you'd made me change my ways.
my bad habits will be gone in a matter of days.
i had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes.
to a whole new world that has since been in disguise.
but that day will most likely never come for me.
and its my luck to end up getting stuck
to everything you are.
so tonight i'll sit and pick apart your pictures.
and overanalyze your words.
but the truth is that i've never fallen so hard.
its taken everything in to just to forget your sweater so far.
i had the notion that you'd make me forget the world.
but your indecisive mind shows me that you're "just another one".
i had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real.
what if i rip your heart out at the seams maybe then you'd know how i feel.
but that day will most likely never come for me.
and its just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are.
i can honestly say.
that i never ever ever felt this way.
your lips, your eyelashes, your skin.
these are the parts of your body that cause my comatose to begin.

i will sleep another day.
i don't really need to anyway.
what's the point when my dreams are infected with words you used to say?
i will breathe in a moment.
as long as i keep my distance.
i wouldn't want to go messing anything up.
so don't go worrying about me.
its not like i think about you constantly.
so maybe i do,
but that shouldn't affect you life anymore.
i knew it the moment you walked into the door.
i'll let you get the best of me.
because there's nothing else that i do well.
i'll be the giver and you'll be the taker.
i guess thats how this one's gonna go.
i'll be the give and you'll be the taker.
you've got me down on my knees and i proclaim.
"all hail the heartbreaker".

;the spill canvas.

when is it never enough.

i don't know whats wrong with me.
its like a drug.
waiting and waiting for the urge to come and consume me all over again.
waiting to devour me.
i don't want this.
i don't want to yearn for something that i cannot have.
there is so much i miss.
its like withdrawal symptoms.
its like a part of me being viciously torn away from me.
and i don't want that.
isn't there anyone out there to take my hand.
because i fell into this trap by mistake.
who is going to be my redemption?

i wait and wait.
i'm being so fucking patient.
so where the fuck is the reward for it?
i want to give up.
on waiting.
whats the point of waiting if i get nothing in return.
maybe now i feel its not fair.
and you tell me that life is never fair.
like fuck it is.
it was blanced for a moment.
but then the balance was thrown way off.
and i have been trying so fucking hard to balance it.
but somehow.
every little thing you do.
brings me back to square one.
i fucking hate this.
i fucking hate myself.
but i can't bring myself to get you out of my system.
i can't seem to hate you when i need to get away from you.
i feel fucking useless for being unable to stop consuming this posion that i need to purge.
fuck this.
i don't need anymore of this.

if i had.

what happens if someone told you that you had three days left to live. and then you'll die after that? what would you do?

if that happened to me. i think i'll have a really long list to do before i die.

i'd be in shock. and i'll cry first. i mean. if you had three months. you have more time to do what you really want to do. and its easier i guess. but three days. i'll call everyone up and tell them that i love them. and how much that they have touched my life in anyway. and if i don't have your number. i guess i'll write you a letter. cause many people has touched my life in a way or another.

i would want to forgive my dad before i die. and not hold anymore contempt for him when i die. i want to die a happy girl. one without grudges.

i would want to visit my primary school. and secondary school as well. cause they hold too many memories there. and i want to go there. to thank the teachers for teaching me the things they did. that made me who i am today. especially thise who has made an impact in my life.

i would give a kiss to every guy i have ever liked. i don't know why. it seems logical. like a could have been kind of moment.

i want to go to church. and give all the people i know there a hug. because hugs are wonderful.

and tell mummy i love her over and over again. and tell her that i'm sorry. for being such a horrible daughter. skipping school and lying all the time. its difficult for you to bring me up. i know. and i'm sorry for that.

and i want to go for mass everyday. and finally go for confession. after so long. absolve me of all my sins.

finally. before i die. i want to call my special someone. whoever he is. tell him that i love him with all my heart. and i want to marry him. even thought its for three days. and tell him sorry that i can't give him kids. but i don't know if he loves me or not. gosh. i think i think too much. i'll be happy if i died married to the person i love. i don't care if its only for three days. i don't care if he doesn't love me. cause its only for three days.

i want to tell shabin thank you for rocking my world.
and sheryl. cause these 11 year of friendship. gosh. no words can explained. we cried together. laughed together. been through so much together. i just want to thank her for being so amazing. and holding me when i cry.
jared, amanda, audrey. my showers of blessings. these droplets of joy. and i never knew that you three. can make my life so amazing. so complete. its beause of you people. that i can smile and laugh. and be myself. be totally crazy. i love my little droplets!
and to that pig. for letting me know who i truly am. and never gave up on me. when i'm sick. when i was going to give up on myself. you never gave up on me. and thank you for realising how important it is to believe in myself. and to believe in love. and that i can never saty angry with you.

and priss, charmaine, and lexine and christie. and all the darlings. oh! jasper too! if i die three days from now. i will miss you all.
and i got a funeral to prepare for too. if my last three days starts from now. and my pig shall handle it for me. not mummy. cause i know she will do a bad job about it. i hope pig saved a copy of my will. you better!

HADN'T THOUGHT OF IT.

i think. i should start blogging like now. instead of just going to other people's blogs and tagging them. and i realised that people are talking about sean's long hair? what for? i really think that he should cut it. before he becomes gay!
now now.
back to the topic which my dear christie keep asking me to blog about.
MALAYSIA!
yes yes. that place. seems to have a hidden power. to make me eat and eat and eat and eat. non-stop. like. three times as much as i eat when i'm back home. tsk tsk. well. maybe i only eat two meals here. and i eat about six there? yes yes. thats about it.
BUT! there is just too much amazing food there. simply amazing. i'm too amazed to even talk about it. its like. i go there just to stuff my face with food and gain plenty loads of weight.
AND I BOUGHT ALOT OF CLOTHES! and i wanted to post them up. but. i only have picture of one. but i didn't buy the dress! cause there was something wrong with it. the strap was wrong. and to think that i wanted that dress for christmas. when its SOO FAR AWAY. so. i shall save up and buy myself a pretty dress. better idea! work! and go shopping with my amazing christie.
i really like the dress.

to all who were expecting presents. i'm really sorry. i'm too broke to buy presents for everyone. i only bought a little something for a pig who was supposed to wake me up but ended up forgetting and making me late. i don't know why i bother. goodness me.

i'm do laxy to participate in class. my teammates are going to kill me.
CHRISTIE! swimming! soon soon!
LEXINE! LAURIE! swimming thursday? ok?

and on to the quizzes that people keep asking me to do. why do i bother with this? may i ask? i don't know. maybe i'm really bored. i think so. class is always boring. as usual. two more weeks. until i'm done.



5 snacks I enjoy:
- ICE CREAM.
- CHOCOLATE.
- LOLLIPOP.
- COOKIES.
- VODKA.

5 songs I know all the words to:
- KELLY CLAKSON SONGS.
- BREATHE BY MICHELLE BRANCH.
- HILIARY DUFF? (don't ask)
- THE THEME SONG FROM ANASTASIA THE MOVIE?
- HI-5 SONGS. (yet again. don't ask)

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars:
- GO TO OTHER COUNTRIES AND SHOP UNTIL I CAN'T SHOP ANYMORE.
- GIVE SOME TO CHURCH AND MAKE IT MORE PRETTY!
- BUY A NEW HOUSE AND HAVE A HUGE ROOM ALL TO MYSELF!
- GIVE HALF TO MUMMY!
- MAKE MORE MONEY!


5 places I would run away to:
- CHURCH.
- SWING.
- SHERYL'S HOUSE.
- JESSAMINE'S HOUSE.
- THAT PIG.

5 things I would never wear:
- DAMN TIGHT CLOTHES.
- CLOTHES THAT PRACTICALLY FALL OFF WHEN YOU WEAR THEM.
- SUPER SHINY CLOTHES.
- CHEAP BAD IMITATION CLOTHES.
- NOTHING.

5 Things that turn you off:
- LONG OILY HAIR. ( hear that sean? stop putting water so that your hair will stay up. makes your hair damn greasy! so stop!)
- PEOPLE WHO DO NOTHING ABOUT UNSIGHTLY HAIR.. e.g. armpit hair when wearing sleeveless.
- BAD BREATH.
- STUCK UP PEOPLE.
- ALL TALK AND NO ACTION KIND OF PEOPLE.


5 Things that turn you on:
- NICE EYES. i love people with eyes that shine.
- SMILE.
- SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME LAUGH.
- SOMEONE WHO CARES.
- SOMEONE WHO LOVES GOD.

5 bad habits that you will regret later on:
- BEING TOO LAZY TO GO TO SCHOOL.
- FARTING RANDOMLY ANYWHERE.
- EATING SO MUCH THAT I BECOME TOO LAZY TO EXERCISE.
- OVERSPENDING.
- DEPENDING ON OTHERS TO MAKE ME HAPPY.


5 biggest joys:
- GOD GOD GOD.
- MUMMY.
- PEOPLE IN CHURCH.
- THAT PIG.
- MY BED.

5 Famous People I would Love to Date:
- JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.
- JOHNNY DEPP.
- ORLANDO BLOOM. blonde! like in LOTR.
- ADAM BRODY.
- JESSE METCALF.


5 people to do this quiz:
- CHRISTIE.
- CHARMAINE.
- SEAN.
- LEXINE.
- LAURIE.


on to the next quiz. goodness me.


LARRIS MADE ME DO THIS. (i think)

1. Do the following without complaints.
2. Choose 5 person to do this after you have completed yours.
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say she/he had been tagged.

Favourite colour: BLACK AND PURPLE. MAYBE GREEN.
Favourite food: FOOD? I DON'T KNOW. CAN'T DECIDE.
Favourite movie: A WALK TO REMEMBER. (made me cry so damn much)
Favourite sport: SLEEPING.
Favourite of the week: SATURDAY. I GET TO MEET ALL MY DARLINGS.
Favourite Ice cream: BEN AND JERRY'S
Favourite Tv show: I DON'T KNOW. I HAVEN'T BEEN WATCHING TV IN A REALLY LONG WHILE.

Current mood: INDIFFERENT
Current taste: NONE?
Current clothes: STRIPED SHIRT. AND MY SHORT DENIEM SKIRT.
Current desktop: AMANDA DEAR AND ME! DANCING AFTER AMPLIFY.
Current toenail colour: NONE?
Current time: 9.33AM TIME FOR MY BREAK.
Current Annoyance: THE NEED FOR SLEEP.
Current thoughts: ON HOW I SHOULD GET SOME SLEEP.

First best friend: SAMANTHA DAVID.
First crush: JAMES LYE. watched too much 999.
First movie: I DON'T KNOW?
First lie: WHEN I WAS REALY YOUNG.
First music: MY GRANDMA.

Last cigarette: LAST YEAR.
Last drink: TUESDAY.
Last car ride: LAST NIGHT.
Last crush: DON'T HAVE ONE.
Last phone call: SO LONG AGO THAT I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER.
Last CD player: PLAYER? I DON'T KNOW?

Have you ever dated one of your bestfriend: BECAME MY BESTFRIEND AFTER WE DID?
Have you ever broken the law: PLENTY LOADS OF TIMES.
Have you ever been arrested: I DON'T KNOW IF IT WAS COUNTED OR NOT.
Have you ever skinny dipped: HAHA. KIND OF?
Have you ever kissed someone you don't know: NO.

5 luckiest person: SHERYL. LEXINE. CHRISTIE. LAURIE. SEAN.

IT GOES IN CIRCLES

i just woke up.
having barely 8 hours of sleep and i'm dead tired.

CELEBRATION OF FRIENDS LAST NIGHT.
i would so love to congragulate the CORNERSTONES for making it such a memorable night for all of us.
gosh.
i don't know what to say about it. it was just amazing! yes yes it was.
and now. i thank GOD for friends that are constantly by my side. who never fail to love me.

CHARM;
i love you! many many much! and i want you to remember that i love you. and what i said that night. during mass. ALL TRUE! i love you!

SHABIN;
thanks for inviting me love! it meant alot to me. to know how much i mean to you. you mean alot to me too! the future GODFATHER of my kids!

PRECIOUS PIGGY;
hahas. i hope that you would delete the recording of me singing twinkle twinkle little star wrongly! and i think you haven't wake up. i want to go watch movie! now! but thank you anyway. you know what i mean.

CORNERSTONES;
thank you many many many much for planning such a night like this. i know that it touched all of us.

PRISS! ;
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! i know its a little late. but still. i love you anyway. and you will always be a precious darling in my heart. i love you!



i'm really tired. and i really want to sleep. but i think my mum is coming back soon and i have to get out of the house. can that bloddy pig wake up and reply me. so that i can go out and do something productive. i'm a tired child. goodness.

i could get an orgasm just thinking of you.

celebration or deflamation?

celebration of friends are later.
but somehow, i just don't feel like going. i'm sorry.
someone so happened to spoil my enthusiasm in going for the celebration. what is it that you want from me exactly?
you said that you want me to be happy.
but are you helping?
you always seem to be able to bring me down after making me happy.
i was right wasn't i?
every single time i said that i had a price to pay every single time i'm happy.
i'm still paying the price.

what is it that you want from me exactly?
you want all of me to be all for you?
all the time?
you want to be selfish and not share me at all?
then let me tell you one thing.
don't take me for granted.
we both know what i'm willing to do for you.
so don't take it too far.
cause there is so much i can take.
you don't want me to push you again right?

i'll wait until you make up your mind.
to decide to tell me what you want from me exactly.
and i don't want you to tell me over the phone.
anyway over the phone.
i don't want you to call me and tell me.
or message me to tell me.
i want you to tell me face to face.
what is it that you want from me.
what is is that you want out of me.
you know where i'll be waiting.
we both know you're not stupid.

a place where it makes me happy.

so why won't you came and be a part of my world. and i can show you what i am about. i'll tear all my walls down. so that you can see me for who i am. i'll strip myself down to my core so that i will hide nothing from you. and when you have accepted me for who i am. and have not thrown me aside. then we can create our own fantasies. and leave no room for mistakes.
and we can live happily ever after.



you haven't seen me at my worst.
so don't test me.

immortalize

i think you got the wrong idea about what we talked about last night. and i don't think that that should be the case. i wanted to explain. but i guess you didn't give me a chance to.
you might think that i'm OBSESSED with you or something. but just so you know. i said that i would have done it if you would have wanted it only applies to that point of time. where we both know that we wanted it. i hope you can understand. there is no particular intention to scare you or anything. or to change your perception of me.
there are things we miss and this is just one of them. why the heck did i come up with that proposal a while ago. cause i know that something like this was going to happen. the offer still stands. but if you're too caught up with the right or wrong. then i have nothing to say. but this. its not like everything we did was right.
go for it if you want it. i'm not stopping you. i'm not being obsessed. i just miss it. thats all. and i'm sure you do too.

i don't really care anymore.
but if you're going to ignore me based on what i said.
i'm damn disappointed in you.
it up to you.
don't think i don't know whats going on in your head.
i'm not as stupid as you think i am.


and don't do this to her either.

crystal meth

have you ever missed something or someone so much that you were willing to do anything just to have a moment of it. just to have a taste of it.
i do.
i am willing to do anything just to have a single moment.
at this point of time.
i don't really care about the concequences.
it doesn't matter anymore. i just hope for a moment.
to revist memories that stay stuck in my head.
to see what it will be like all over again.
i do miss you.
but i know if a ask for that favour one last time.
it will be like an addiction.
cause i know that it will never be enough.
but like i said.
i won't care about the concequences.
i know that you don't really care about the consequences either.

that random question became a confrontation of some sort.
on how we really feel.
what went on in our heads.
on how i felt you everytime i see you.

i'm off to see fireworks soon. i hope its going to be really pretty. i need something to make me feel happy.


i know that its going to be an addiction.
but who really cares.

its all upside down.

we stand beside the flame as the coals burn beneath our feet.
the vision of you grows dim and distant.
as the smoke shrouds my head like a mourning veil.
i stretch out my hand to touch you.
but the flames engulf my fingers.
you cannot see me.
you cannot hear my screams of pain.
as i burn in the eternal flame.
you heart has been hollowed out by love.
and snapped as a snack between the jaws of lfe.
i reach fr my wings the flew me so high.
on the winds of dream and memories.
but they were fuel, not drifting away on the wind.
you cannot see me.
you cannot hear my screams of pain.
as my life, my love becomes the fuel for the eternal flame.
i fall on my knees before you in prayer.
i beg you to let us free from this hell.
but this hell is mine, the burden is mine.
and i lead you away from the inferno.
but you do not follow but lead me back.
you cannot see me.
you cannot hear my screams of pain.
as you chain me forever to the eternal flame.
the fire smolders demanding for more.
when all my life is consumed, i sacrifice myself once again.
to the heathen God of love, laughing my utter despair.
whats the use of a finger when your ring is not around it?
what is the use of an arm if its not embraced around you.
you chase the demons of dreams you kept me here to fight.
what is paradise but a beautiful hell?
the desperation defeats you and you surrender to death.
i cradle you in my arms, finally able to touch you at last.


i think i'm damn bloody irritated la. i want to go out! i want to go out! i want to go out! get my point? and i want to eat plenty plenty lots of food. i miss sushi. i want sashimi! yes yes! seoul garden even. but there is noone to go out with me. ask anthony. he never reply. sean is still a dope. never reply me all. DOPE! but i still love you anyway. hahhas. i follow you go buy dinner right? now you follow me go eat lunch! i don't care! and there is nothing on tv! i feel like puting up a random picture. but i just can't find a random one to put it. boohoo!

now i can go town! whee! but i got nothing to eat at home. i mean. i have mac and cheese. but its not nice without milk. its horrible without milk! boohoo! i'm hungry!
hungry hungry hungry!

i want to watch fireworks later! yes yes! i think fireworks are going to be pretty. and i want everyone to go! I MEAN EVERYONE!
and now they are meeting so damn late! oh i don't believe in that all! tsk tsk! i am bored. i think i should just knock my head against the freaking wall! then i can die of concussion! whee!

i'm tired.
i'm bored.
i wanna go out.


i'm watching sesame street.
big bird is tiny now.
and diana krall is on it too.


i want to be a princess.
will you be my hero?
cause only you can save me.

BEFORE AND AFTER.

IF HE THINKS THAT HE CAN GET AWAY WITH HIS REVENGE? FORGET IT!
HERE IS MINE.


hahas. i think sean looks nicer with shorter hair right? rather than the mop he has now. and EVERYBODY has been telling him to cut his hair all. marcus says that it looks like a wig. and i have no choice but to agree.



before! after.














so which one do you prefer? hahas.
i think you all know what i'm trying to say.
CUT THE FREAKING HAIR!
and i'm not done yet.















see the cute faces of him? hahas. i know its the second time i posted that picture. but i don't have anymore baby pictures of him. so i only have these few.
you are really tempted to pinch his cheeks right?
gosh.
i just realised how much i miss pinching his cheeks when he was like really young? like 5 years ago. chasing him all over church to pinch his cheeks.
so sean.
can you eat more? as in. a whole lot more. so your cheecks can be chubby. then i can pinch them again and again and again.
oh my, that would be so bloody fun. hahas.
and now sher can join in.

i guess i won't say anymore.
before he kills me instead.
or maybe put up more pictures of me looking really stupid.
i think i should really stop.

sher! give me time. then i'll count down to your birthday!
whee!

sean's really really rocks!haha.

i am tired. and i'm sorry venting machine. but the book was just too boring! and i'm only at chapter two. i'll try harder alright? i'll try much harder. so that you can get a good grade for lit! and you can buy me a really huge present after that! yes yes! that shall be my motivation for giving you plenty plenty notes! yes yes yes! NAH! i'm only doing this cause i want you to pass! yes yes! then i'll be proud! gosh. i sound like a mother.

haha.sean's here invading nessa's blog.i think nessa should let me take nice candid photos of her all.cause she ooks really cute when she's trying to cry.haha.and i don't know why but she's like always stepping emo la!i'm emo!not you.haha.yupp yupp.haha.and she looks cute la fatso.haha.so fun to pinch her fats all.haha.so many places.haha.

THINK OF SUPERMAN IN BIKINIS

i simply hate blogger as well as macdonalds wireless internet. because it pisses me off to no end. i was typing a super long post because i was being emo. and it was really really long. and they just had to piss me off by disconnecting when i was about to post it. and now i lost my post.
everybody say boohoo.
i'm in the bloody library now and i hate the wireless here as well. maybe because its a singtel kind of connection that requires a password and i have to pay to use it. and i think that that is really stupid.
i'm supposed to help anthony to do his literature notes. but the book is really boring. i'm really sorry. i'm like. trying so hard to read the book but everytime i attempt to read the book. somehow. i just kind of fall asleep. i'm trying i'm trying!
wait.
let me close the cap to my highlighter before it al dries up and i need to buy a new one.
and i just dropped my phone.
and talking about phones. i dropped my kinda new samsung phone into the bloody toilet bowl! and its not covered by warranty. so its due to cost more than 200 bucks. everyone say hooray. i think i should listen to some music. so really nice songs. and write in my diray and be all emo all over again. just to pass the time. yeah.i think thats the way. and i think i'm occupying th whole table when its meant to be for four people. so many stuff on the table. like horrible me.

so i guess i shall just post now. cause i think the connection is going to go off again. boohoo!

and there is just too many people having the same green crumpler bag!
i think i shall save and get myself a purple one. someone give me the money please!
check out my wishlist and buy me what ever i want!
thank you very much!

EIGHT HUNDRED.

right. i have an amazing start to the amazing day. my alarm clock hasn't even rang. and my mother woke me up. cause she though i was late for school. i just felt like sleeping in. 45 mins longer than the usual time.
school was fine until school started? i guess so. not feeling all that fabulous since yesterday. during evening mass. so much going through my head. but class was starting to get horrible when the groups were assigned. there is so much to do. So much of conflict. in the group.

conflict not only in class but in my head just now. too many things in my head. i couldn't sleep. even if i sleep. i don't want to wake up. there are two people out there making my head really heavy.

maybe there will come a time for me to be alright.
maybe i'll just stop crying myself to sleep at night.
maybe we both know i should get over this.
maybe theres just too many memories that i can't dismiss.
maybe its time to depend on myself.
but we both know that i have no one else.
i was fighting the temptation to take the overdose.
and finally let nature take its course.
its wrong i know.
but i question to you is; so?
cause you will tell me that its not fair?
would you even care?
don't even start to try and deceive.
cause i know i'm stupid and i'll start to believe.
so what is a little medication
to help stop the fustration?
i cannot cry.
because my tears have run dry.
i try to do my best for you.
but you ignore them like you always do.
i'm scared to go to bed.
because there is just too much of you in my head.
i'm sorry how this has ended up to be.
and i don't want you to shed any tears for me.
tell her i'm sorry.
that i couldn't be the kind of lover she wanted me to be.

maybe i know a little of why she did what she did. she wrote this poem and gave it to me. speechless. shocked. at how she was lying to not only clarie but herself as well. maybe thats why she headed down that dark and lonely path. but i couldn't love her like she did. and maybe thats why clarie is so angsty these days. saying things she said. and hurting other people with her words. hurting me with her words. belittling people.
i'm sorry if i made you feel this way. i didn't mean to. i'm sick of us not talking. i know you know about this. for a long time already. you knew she wrote this and you read it before you passed it to me. i'm sorry. i really am. i thought she loves you. but we all know. that i cannot love her like that. it was so long ago when that relationship ended.

i'm confused. really confused. why ask for something like this? i'm giving in. cause i'm too weak to resist. you know i can't resist.

if you havent realised. its 800 days to your 18th birthday.

SEAN SHOULD SAY HOORAY.

right. i don't really remember why. but this post is dedicated to SEAN and how i should right about how much i love him just to please him and make him happy. so. please dont kill me. and since its supposed to be a really long post. forgive me if i digress. i tend to do that. so lets just get on with the list so as to why i love his fella.

• he is mad. i swear he is.
• he has the uncanny ability to make me agree to anything. i seriously have no idea how he does it. from me only owing him one thing. it goes up to five things. and now its twenty-two. and it was only a span of two day. its either he's good. or i'm just plain stupid. or both. he is good because i'm plain stupid. i think it works that way. i don't know.
• he accompany's me until my nails get dry.
  
• me makes me laugh. even after me makes me cry he makes me laugh. gosh. i think i sound like a physopath. laughing and crying all. sean! all your fault!
• he gives me alot alot of nice songs. and its because i bug him for it. but he asks for nothing in return.
• he teaches me chem. and has the ability to make me feel really really stupid. but at least i know my hydro carbons now!
• he sings to me all the time.
  
• and he writes beautiful songs and sing them to me too. i swear he has talent.
• and then he starts singing all the emo songs and get me all emotional and i get emotional dreams.
  
• he keeps me grounded. never afraid to tell me whats so horrible about me and that i should change to become a better person.
  
• he's always there to listen to me cry. no matter how busy he is. he's always there for me.
  
• he buys me chocolates.
• he made feel what he was like to be human. because if i never knew him to this extent. i guess i would have broken down. and ended up in a rehab instead of her. and he was the one there for me when i fell sick. when i almost went crazy. when i though i was. he was there.
  
• he has a wig for hair. and marcus was the one who said that. remember the time when you had short spikey hair? that was nice! and you look cleaned up. but no complaints here.
  
• he was a really adorable baby! he was really cute young. look above if you don't believe me.
  

gosh. if i were to go on. i think the list will be never ending. it will keep going on and on and on. but i guess a thank you is in due. for so much. everything you've done. the good, the bad. the catastrophic and the amazing things you have done. nd no one can deny the face that you have done so much for me. i love you for who you are. for being so open with me. although not really open. but i'm glad. that God has given me a friend like this to journey with me in this lifetime. i feel blessed. but not when you bully me. and call me fat. but you challenge me for the better.

and you emo songs! ________ wedding! basket. i dreamt of it. and i dreamt that she was trying to kill me on her bloody wedding. its not funny k!

i haven't really sung to you in a long time. hahas. i guess i'm the shy one. i don't intend to sing anymore. hahas. cause i sound horrible. so its alright. no point asking me to sing.
but don't forget. you're going to sing me that really nice song you wrote. the one you sang to me. on my birthday. i want that song alright? pretty please with a cherry on top!
but remember. i'm always here. because i rock. and because i love you!


and this song.
i shall put it up.
because of i finally know what i means;

i guess there's only one place to go from here.
i think the options are clear anyway.
i'm sure you're <strike>tired of waiting for me.
to figure out where you fit in.
i guess i'm afraid of what we could be.
cause i don't want to sell you short on your dreams.
i'm sorry for making you wait for me.
cause i don't want to hold you down.
but i don't want to set you free.
i don't want to make you run from me.
i guess its hard to believe that i
could make myself give up.
after all this time you and me.
trying hard to make sense of our differences.
pretending we both have everything.
i guess we both believed in our fantasy.
you only love the one you wanted me to be.
i'm sorry for breaking your faith in me.
i don't want to hold you down.
but what if you're more than i could please.
can you accept apologies?
i don't want to squander all you time.
i don't want to mislead you.
i think we both that it was done.
sorry i had to be the one.
sometimes i wish it was the other way around.
i wish you weren't supposed to be set free.

set free
;craig's brothers.


i was crying even after i was reading the lyrics to this songs. unbelievable that it holds so much truth. i think we both know that it was done. but i guess i accept apologies. you were worth the wait. you atill are. and it doesn't matter. because what was in the past should remain in the past.and no matter what. my faith in you remains.
but after all this time. you should know that you're worth the effort.

and they say.

CLAIRE;
it would be nice of you would just shut up and keep your opinions to yourself. don't comment on what you don't know. i'm feeling horrible because of you. just keep your trap shut. before i do something that i might regret.

i don't even know what is happening. so what makes you think that you do? the spectator watches most of the game? how much of the fucking game have you watched? you only caught a glimpse of it. so don't judge. i don't judge you. so what right do you have do judge him and his actions? i don't. and don't say things to other people about what you don't know about. please.

do this for the sake of our friendship.
and visit her one day.
she misses you.

RED AND WHITE AND ROSES AND CARNATIONS

Name 20 people that you can think of right now.
Don't read the questions until you have named the 20 people.
At the end of it all, choose 5 people to do it.

1. SEAN.
2. SHERYL.
3. JASPER.
4. AMANDA
5. AUDREY.
6. JARED.
7. LEXINE.
8. PETER.
9. LARRIS.
10. ANTAEUS.
11. DESMOND BISWAS.
12. ANTHONY.
13. JOHN.
14. ZHI SIONG.
15. SHRI.
16. CHARMAINE.
17. CHRISTIE.
18. PRISCILLA.
19. SHABIN.
20. SANDRA.

how would you feel if you never met 1.?
- I WOULD NEVER KNOW HOW TO BE HUMAN. OR HOW TO BE SANE.

what would you do if 20. and 9. dated ?
- SOMEONE WISHES FOR THAT TO HAPPEN.

did you ever like 19. ?
- I DON'T LIKE HIM. I LOVE HIM!

would 6. and 7. make a good couple?
- THAT WOULD BE REALLY WRONG.

describe 3 !
- SHE? IMPOSSIBLE!

do you think 8. is attractive?
- YES! ESPECIALLY WHEN HE DOES CARTWHEELS!

something about 7. ?
- SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY!

Do you know any of 12. family members?
- HMMM. SISTER, FATHER, GRANDMA!

what are 9. favourites?
- BEING A RETARD.

what would you do if 18. confess that he/she likes you?
- SHE WILL NEVER DO THAT. SHE ALREADY LOVES ME.

what language(s) does 15. speak?
- RUBBISH.

who is 9. going out with?
- KEITH!

how old is 16. now?
- ERM. 15?

when was the last time you spoke to 13?
- I GOT SCOLDED BY HIM YESTERDAY. IF THAT WAS COUNTED.


who is 2.'s favourite singer?
- ME! CAUSE I SERENADE TO HER EVERY OTHER DAY.

would you ever date 17. ?
- NAH. CAUSE SHE'S ALREADY MINE. SO NO POINT.

is 11. single?
- HMMM. ONLY WE AND A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE KNOW.

what is 10.'s last name?
- _______ PAUL LIM.

would you ever be in a serious relationship with 13. ?
- SOMEONE KILL ME PLEASE.

what school does 3. go to ?
- STUPID POLY.

where does 6. live?
- CHUA CHU KANG.

what are your favourite things about 5 ?
- SHE MAKES ME HAPPY. AND SHE ALWAYS. AND I MEAN ALWAYS LAUGH AT HER OWN JOKES.

ever seen 1. naked?
- WHO IS NUMBER 1 AGAIN?

5 people to do this.
- SEAN.
- JASPER.
- ANTHONY. POST IT SOMEWHERE. ON FRIENDSTER OR SOMETHING.
- JOHN.
- anyone who is interested

imagine what it would be like. if i never known him. the quiz got me thinking. if i never got to to meet him. its true. i would never know how to be sane. yeah. thank you for keeping me grounded. its thanks to you that i'm a better person. thank you! you deserve more than this.

everytime i think of this situation. i end up thinking that its karma. its like me. getting hurt because i love him. so damn much. and i was willing to do anything for him. even if it was to help him get someone he loves and its not even me. watching from the sidelines. and helping when ever i can. even if i'm breaking inside.
and now. he's the one getting hurt. because he loves someone. so much. and he's willing to do anything to make her happy. just like i am. but she doesnt love him like he loves her. and now he's willing to watch by the sidelines. just like what i'm doing now. but the difference is. he's got me to comfort him and be there for him. while i'm here. with no one behind me to support me.
karma?
maybe. in the most twisted sense. he finally got to feel what i'm feeling inside. but i end up giving more.

how could possibly ask the one you love to come back to you when they were never yours in the first place?
why wait so long and so hard for them to make their decision?
why continue getting hurt if you know that it isn't going to work out in the first place?
why carry so much hope when you know that you're going to end up disappointed?
why go look for love someplace else when the one who truly loves you is right here wating for you?